Criticism - learning to live with it

“I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.”

Antoine de Saint Exupery


This is a topic I did not cover extensively in Prone To Panic, but in hindsight, I would have devoted an entire chapter to it (a little critique of my own there!). As I may have mentioned, I am an artist and through this medium, have learned to deal with criticism of my work. Surprisingly, I have never had much trouble with other people critiquing my work; either they suggest something that I think is valid, or they make a comment that I know is completely irrelevent for me. For instance, someone might say that the sky I have painted is too dark, or the perspective isn't working properly. I might look at the painting with new eyes and say "yes, I didn't notice that, but I think changing that will make the painting work better". That's a great moment, getting helpful perspective. Someone else might comment that the sky looks a bit empty and might benefit from some clouds or a bird flying over head. I look at my painting again and think, "no, that's not what I was going for. I want an open, clear sky. You might want a bird, but I don't". End of conversation. I know my painting pleases me and that's all that matters.
That is the wonderful thing about the world of art; everyone's interpretation of beauty is valid - there is no right or wrong. However, when criticism is of a more personal nature, things can get messy. What does this have to do with Social Phobia you might ask? Well, quite a lot actually. When you break down the fearful thoughts and doubts to their common denominator, it is usually the fear of being judged and being judged negatively. Would panic attacks be so bad if you weren't worrying about what everybody else was thinking of you? Would you spend hours going over your performance if you weren't so worried about other peoples' opinions?
Most of us want to be liked, so it hurts when somebody says 'you're wrong' or 'you made a mistake' or 'you're not good enough'. So you try to change, because you don't want to be wrong and you want to prove to everybody that you are good enough. But if you change one thing about yourself, it is the thin end of the wedge and there is no guarantee that the next person is going to appreciate or love the new you. They might find other flaws (or at least, what they perceive to be flaws) and you'll have to change all over again.

There are two types of critique and believe me you will know the difference between them.
Julia Cameron points this out in her insightful book that I always return to 'The Artists's Way'.
"Useful criticism ultimately leaves us with one more puzzle piece - an inner sense of 'ah-hah! so that's what was missing! Useless criticism leaves us with a feeling of being bludgeoned. "
We've all had that experience, when suddenly everything you thought you knew about yourself is in doubt. You start to wonder, 'I thought I was good at that, maybe she's right, maybe I'm not'. Julia Cameron advises us not to pick up the first doubt as it will lead to another and another still. Re-affirm your self-believe with the antidotes of love and praise. Get back on the horse. Finally, the most important quote of all from this book:
"All that can be done with abusive criticism is to heal from it".

So, maybe we cannot expect everyone to like us or approve of us, but anyone worth their salt will respect you for who you are. If you can know yourself, stand up for your beliefs and embrace who you are, people will respect your integrity. But most importantly of all, you will begin to respect yourself and appreciate what you have. We all have different gifts, different vulnerabilities and as the saying goes,

“Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults, but having faults different from your own."

Honestly, I still struggle with criticism. But instead of trying to change the fact that I am a sensitive person, I am putting all of my energy into becoming a really good healer!