Silver Linings

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell


In Prone to Panic, I speak about how acceptance is key. It is the only way to move forward in life. Otherwise, we get stuck in a rut of anger, resentment and self-pity. But like everything else, it's a lot easier said than done. I recently watched a programme about a man who sustained serious brain damage in a car accident. He was drunk when his car hit a ditch. He eventually came out of his coma and set into rehabilitation. But he life was forever changed - he could no longer function in the same way. Things that he used to love to do, like playing football, were no longer an option. He fell into a deep depression, understandably. But in the end, he spoke of his acceptance because no matter how much he willed it weren't so, this was the life he was given.

Living with an anxiety disorder is not always so obvious. People cannot see your limitations, but they are there nonetheless. Modern psychology encourages you to face your fear, which I agree with, but what is sometimes glossed over is the importance of accepting yourself the way you are now. 'Beating anxiety' is constantly placing your goal of happiness in the future, once you've worked long enough, tried hard enough. For most people, the goal is to get back to the life that we had planned, to get past this 'blip' and pretend it never happened. But maybe this 'blip' is opening you up to new depths and a greater sense of understanding. Perhaps everything really does happen for a reason.

The older I get, the more I understand that every experience has a hidden gem inside, a lesson to be learned. Experiences we label either 'good' or 'bad' both have their own worth when it comes to learning something about ourselves. Our society tends to shy away from the negative emotions we experience when something traumatic or ugly happens. A great new book "Smile or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World" by Barbara Ehrenreich investigates society's need to be positive about every experience, thus completely denying the value of the process. We need to get angry, feel sad, cheated, frustrated and scared in order to move onto the self-compassion and self-love that is acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean jumping for joy at your new-found circumstances out of a desperate need to appear happy; it means letting go of your preconceived ideas about your life and who you are; it means that you are willing to open your mind to a different way of life; that you're willing to find out who you are - not who you were supposed to be. We cannot always be happy, but we can find contentment, something far more solid and long lasting.

I have to admit, the life I had planned for myself was embarrassingly shallow. I wanted a career (any career), great clothes, travel, parties and above all, to be accepted by my peers. I would be lying if I said I was some sort of yogi now, spending my days on a hill, meditating and performing sun salutations! But my priorities have shifted dramatically. Writing and having my work published is joint first with my love of creating visual artwork. I suppose that falls under the heading of career, but there is not a power-suit in sight! I would never have imagined this kind of life for me, and while there are so many aspects about it that I love, there are times when I still wish I could have my old life back, just so I could 'fit in'. But that is not who I am and that is the reality. So I guess my goal now is to keep learning to accept myself and appreciate what I have, rather than looking to other people for approval.

So, while there are many aspects of anxiety disorders that make life more challenging and downright difficult, do look for the silver linings, the gifts that are hidden within the experience. And maybe you can find the person you truly are, hidden behind the ideals of who you were expected to be.